Earlier this year in June, I sent a piece of writing over to Love Life Live Magazine that I had been working on. I had been wanting to share the full story for a while and it felt like the perfect opportunity to do so when I was contacted to submit a piece to the magazine.
Here is it below. Or you can also click here.
At the beginning, the news of pregnancy can be worrying for some whilst exciting for others. I have been around women who have worried about financial, employment and relationship circumstances. Eventually, the idea of a new bundle of joy begins to warm their hearts. It uplifts their world with the thought that they have the chance to bring a new life to earth.
There are many emotional and physical effects for women around the world, where some experience more lows than highs. Morning sickness, increase/loss of appetite, tender breasts and increased urination are some of the most common expectations when you are pregnant. Aside from these, it is special to think about the impact that a baby can have on a mother’s life.
I have friends who have had their first child, are currently pregnant with their first child and have lost their child due to miscarriage. Unless you have experienced this, no one knows how precious a child is. It breaks my heart to hear about such stories and to have seen the devastation and the negative physiological effects it has had on people around me.
My mother experienced a miscarriage with twins and also the loss of her daughter. As a woman’s belly is due to bloom, there are health factors which they must consider. Of course the right diet and exercise is essential. That being stated, my mother was perfectly healthy and over the moon at the thought of having a baby boy or a baby girl. However, twenty-three years ago, on 9th December 1992 my mother experienced something so indescribable.
Around the time she was due to have her third child, my mother went into labour. With all feelings nothing but content and excitement. She had travelled to Liverpool to bring Christmas presents to my grandma’s house with my father when this occurred. She did not feel any difference during her pregnancy with this child than when she was pregnant with my two older brothers. At this point they were now aged one year old and five years old.
A feeling of dizziness and sickness hit my mother when an ambulance was then called for. Once the ambulance arrived they would not take her into hospital as she was in labour. Fortunately, once they contacted Mill Road Maternity Hospital in Liverpool, they suggested that my mother needed to get to hospital right away because she was turning a grey colour. Consequently, the ambulance then took my mother into hospital.
After being monitored for around an hour and being put on oxygen, they informed her that they needed to commence birth procedures because my mother had a blood clot. This was draining the blood from her body at the back of her placenta. This is referred to as a concealed abruption. In order to save my mother’s life, the baby needed to be born. Subsequently, due to the distressing conditions, her daughter (Nicola) died.
This was an emotional and heart-breaking experience which other women can possibly relate to. The thought of having a baby inside you, which you have kept warm for nine months, breaks one’s heart without even undergoing the actual experience. Having to be present when the registrar comes to officially record your child’s birth and then their death is something far from unbearable. Especially if you are alone.
It is a memory that never disappears. You remember each moment so clearly. With the hope that something good could happen to my mother felt quite unlikely at this point. Even more so as the nurses informed her that due to the circumstances, she would not be able to conceive a little girl ever again.
Yet, here I am almost twenty-two years later (as of 23rd April 2016) writing this article. I was born three months early and I had many complications. I lived in an incubator for several months where my own mother and father could not even hold me as I was too fragile for weeks. I weighed 3lb and 2oz after being towards the end of the 2lb mark. Nappies were too big for me and dolly clothes were the only garments close to fitting me.
As positive of a gift as it is to be alive today, it was then and is now difficult for my mother to imagine losing another baby girl. Your own daughter; your own flesh and blood which has grown and blossomed inside you. The bleeping heart monitors, portholes, and breathing tubes were just some of the flashbacks which make my mother’s heart melt.
From my translucent skin to seeing my struggle to breathe, my mother was always by my side. A mother’s maternal ways are something which we should never take for granted. Their nurture and support is with you like a star in the sky at night. Even if you cannot always see them, you know they are shining for you somewhere. Mothers have a twinkle in their eyes whenever they see you smile which lights up their world. Never forget that your mother could have been through more than you know. Just as I have learnt a lot about on my journey to maturing into a young woman.
My mother loves Nicola with all of her heart, as she does with me. Nicola and I might not be together in person but I will always try to imagine what life would have been like with both of us here. I am no replacement but my mother will always love us equally. For someone who I have never met, Nicola is my big sister and will kept dearly in my heart forever. You might ask how this is even possible but it is simply in my nature. Perhaps other people would respond differently – we are all our own person with our individual beliefs and values.
There were times where I would be scared to openly ask my mum about her trauma. I knew she had lost a daughter but I never knew exactly how it happened and why. Knowing what I know now has made me fight harder for opportunities in order to make my mother proud of me in everything that I do. Just as I am proud of her for being the tough, strong woman in what she went through.
Most of all, I hope I will be able to shine through her thoughts with what she expected life for Nicola to be like. Day by day, I intend to continue to give my mother that little bit of hope whenever and wherever she may need it. I am blessed to be my parents’ little miracle.
The relationship between a mother and daughter can be so beautiful but it also be challenging for a young girl growing into a young woman. Through all of your disagreements and beliefs, it is important to maintain that strong bond through love and understanding. Being perceptive of your own thoughts can be more empowering than you think.