pregnant woman

Baby Loss Awareness Week

It’s Baby Loss Awareness Week this week. My heart goes out to anyone who loses any of their babies. No matter what age a baby, infant, children of any age are, parents, especially mothers, will see them as their ‘babies’.

This post is dedicated to my mum.

It saddens me that, at twenty-two years of age, I’ve heard about more people losing a child/children than I expected to hear about in my entire lifetime. My mum still classes all of her three children as babies no matter how old we get.

To lose someone so precious, your own flesh and blood – I could only imagine, would change your life forever. Deep down, I think the people who don’t know their emotions, it has truly affected them in some way or another. Perhaps it’s their perspective on life, or the hope to ever have another child.

For some, pregnancy is a shock. For others, it’s everything they’ve always wanted. Some people say they’re not ready, but I think you’re always regardless of how much you think you are. Routines might be similar but I believe that every child is unique.

I’ve supported a couple of my friends who have had a miscarriage. I’ve read heart-breaking stories online. And I’ve recently heard about people’s stories who I know.

It’s something that you would never want anyone to face. You know that you have a baby growing inside you and you’re keeping them warm must feel incredible. But to then have it taken away would be absolutely heart-breaking beyond what words can describe.

I remember the first time I held my god-daughter and I never want anything to happen her. She’s someone so special in my life.

I feel blessed to be on this earth. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been given the chance in other circumstances. My mum has been pregnant five times in her life – my brother, 28 years old, my other brother, 26 years old, twins (miscarriage), Nicola (passed away), then me, three months early.

Four months ago I shared my mum’s story alone via an article I wrote for Love Life, Live Magazine. Below is an extract from it.

…Around the time she was due to have her third child, my mother went into labour. With all feelings nothing but content and excitement. She had travelled to Liverpool to bring Christmas presents to my grandma’s house with my father when this occurred. She did not feel any difference during her pregnancy with this child than when she was pregnant with my two older brothers. At this point they were now aged one year old and five years old.

A feeling of dizziness and sickness hit my mother when an ambulance was then called for. Once the ambulance arrived they would not take her into hospital as she was in labour. Fortunately, once they contacted Mill Road Maternity Hospital in Liverpool, they suggested that my mother needed to get to hospital right away because she was turning a grey colour. Consequently, the ambulance then took my mother into hospital.

After being monitored for around an hour and being put on oxygen, they informed her that they needed to commence birth procedures because my mother had a blood clot. This was draining the blood from her body at the back of her placenta. This is referred to as a concealed abruption. In order to save my mother’s life, the baby needed to be born. Subsequently, due to the distressing conditions, her daughter (Nicola) died.

Does the pain ever go away? I don’t think it does for anyone.

For my mum and dad, I think being given the chance to have a little girl again made them feel there’s hope in the world. Someone must have been praying for them, looking over them, or something.

I think it’s quite magical to be honest. To be informed that you won’t ever conceive a baby girl again and have one brought into your world, must feel amazing. I can only hope that I’ll always be the little girl my mum and dad dreamed off. I’ll never replace Nicola but I’ll always aim to be that something good in their lives.

My parents have watched me go from something which they believe to be a miracle, to being born 2 lb, 14 oz, finally reaching 3 lb, 2 oz to reaching 22 years of age within a flash.

I admire my mum. She’s had a lot of loss in her life, including many family members, and she pulls through it all. It kills me to think about everything my grandparents felt/may have felt before they passed away, it would only kill me even more to lose a child.

Being a child will always be one of the most magical times of my life. I wish I could have had my grandparents as I got a little bit older to know what it would feel like to have more guidance as I matured into a woman, but that’s where my mum and dad have had a huge impact like they would have anyway, but even more so.

And I see bits of them in different family members all of the time.

This world might be cruel at times… but it can also be kind.

My mum knows what she has before it’s taken away, even if they’re still there in spirit or in thoughts – whichever way she looks at it, she knows how much someone means to her. She would fight to the end of this world for her children and I hope that I’ll be able to follow in her footsteps in the future.

Sometimes I wish I could put all of the pieces back together for her. But the best thing I can do is love my mum. And that’s something that my brothers, dad and I will always do.

For anyone who’s affected by baby and infant loss (as it is also Baby and Infant Loss Awareness Month), I hope you’re okay.

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