Seven months ago I wrote a post about my learning experiences of my twenty-one year old self. Now that I turned twenty-two four months ago, I thought that a follow-up post was well overdue.
I am currently as happy I was those months ago. I am proud of how far I have come. Each step has been a small one, but I have climbed many to get where I am today. To accomplish something not only gives you a sense of satisfaction but it gives you a great will of determination to carry on. The journey does not end here. I believe that it is only just beginning.
I am still the person I said I was – where some people can read me like a book but I leave others with curiosity. I believe I’ll always give a mixture of the two. In fact, throughout my stress and worry in the job hunt process, some people have seen my determination with a smile on my face, where others have sensed the pain and frustration that’s been on the inside.
To try so hard for something and feel like you’re taking two steps back gives you an obstacle to challenge yourself with. However, an obstacle does not have to be something permanent. You can get rid of them – if not fully, there’s often a way to overcome them. For me, it was to carry on and never give up. Giving up is the easy part. Life is not about going through a journey where everything is easy.
Challenges make us stronger. Conquering our fears can make us stronger. So, I would like to thank every company that interviewed me for their job positions that they were advertising. Where I have not succeeded with a particular company, I have been motivated to apply to more and more jobs and to believe that I will earn my place with the right company one day.
My one day approached me when it was least expected. While some unexpected moments don’t always give us the happiest feelings, there are ones that can make us feel on top of the world. Let’s take that first kiss with someone who you thought might as well have been from universe, as you considered yourself to be out of his league.
Or how about that time you got exceptional results, being the person who isn’t the most intelligent in the class? I’m now that person who was selected from twenty candidates, down to four, to the final one. I am finally the successful candidate.
I believe that I have broadened my horizons on a professional level as well as on a personal one. I have pushed myself further than people expected my capabilities to reach. On many occasions, I’ve tried to meet peoples’ expectations. And I’ve beaten myself up when I think I’ve given them a huge amount of disappointment. But then realisation hit me. Surely, they know all I can do is my best.
There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big but it’s essential to remember that the most important person to be during this ride is yourself. I can say that I’ve been on some slow rides, but I’ve also been on the biggest rollercoasters of my life. There are days where I want to wake up and be this person whose fears have vanished. But that’s not life. I am a fearful person. But I am also very brave.
It is possible to be both.
Spiders can enter the room and I’ll run, unless they are a small enough size for me to fix the situation alone. Walking into a room alone when all of the attention turns you has made me feel nervous. I’ve stuttered in front of a class when presenting academic work. I have cried for my mum when I grazed my knee in primary school. I’ve seen people be bullied. I have seen fights. And I’ve been bullied myself.
From all of the people I’ve loved the most, my eyes have seen a lot.
I’ve experienced walking into a room and seeing the most heartbroken person in my world. I’ve seen epileptic fits. I have seen a scar from a heart all the way to the bottom of a leg. I’ve seen scars over someone’s stomach with many stories to tell. I’ve seen someone have a stroke and had to ring an ambulance for the first time in my life. I’ve seen someone survive from an oxygen tank in their own home. Someone I love has been beaten up more than once.
I’ve seen people who have reminded of those I’ve lost.
The scars have been ones from heart bypasses to several other operations. One shown me that there are evil people in the world, while another gave me hope, that surgery can extend your life. Sadly, there comes a point, where there’s no more medication and medical help that can make a difference. One breath can become too difficult to take and hearts can’t always carry on beating.
Through it all, I’ve also witnessed survival. While some scars reflect bad memories, I’ve seen that not each one is a negative recollection. It could be true that miracles can happen. There’s a scar I mentioned earlier which reflects my birth. It tells a story of how I was brought into the world. A mother who was told she would not be able to conceive a little girl, surprised everyone. She survived after losing children, one especially which touched her heart and she had to lay to rest.
Seeing all of this and knowing that I survived a blood transfusion and being born three months prematurely, I think I can take anything the world throws at me. I always try to think about what others have gone through.
What I’ve learnt from such experiences is that, we don’t always have someone hold our hands. While it gives us much comfort, once you walk independently, you’ll feel the freedom of being human a little more. Knowing you can do something which you never imagined, is one of the best feelings in the world.
Being told that I make my parents proud amongst the rest of family members, and that I would have made my grandparents proud, finally gives me a sense of pride in myself. I hope that I never have to see some of the things mentioned above again. But no one can say how likely or unlikely they’ll be. I just have to live, in the same way that the people who inspire me do. That’s including the biggest inspiration of the lives who were taken away.
Never forget that time is precious. Don’t wish it away but also be patient when it comes to the hardest times of your life.