Lately I have been feeling scared. Often it has been an experience of being scared of the littlest things.
Take my holiday for example, I think everyone will notice my slightest imperfection when I am sat by the pool or beach in my bikini. I heard noises at night and I would jump and be terrified as my eyes were so wide awake even though I just wanted to sleep.
I am the kind of person who wants to be the girl I wish to be and not what others want of me. So why I sit there and worry about peoples’ perceptions I do not know. As for noises and other little things creeping me out, I am not quite sure what that’s about. I am either just a complete weirdo. Or I am really anxious at the moment. I have also been having really bad nightmares consecutive days in a row.
There is something which plays on my mind. It is not noise related but it can be linked to the outlook that people have of me. I do not always get the result I wished for or worked hard for. I do not always know the right thing to say or do. But I would like to think that I am my own person.
During the past six weeks, I have been participating in a course online called Mindfulness for the Wellbeing and Peak Performance. I recommended the course to my best friend and I also shared what I am gaining from it with one of my work colleagues in my last job and with my boyfriend.
I am not uncertain about those that love me. I am not uncertain of those who have my back through thick and thin. But we, me and you, cannot be certain of what the future holds. I think that’s what scares me sometimes. I like to think it will offer a lot of spontaneity and excitement for new adventures. But I am also realising that it takes a bundle of challenges along the way.
At the moment, I feel like I’m in a bit of a lost place. I know where my friends and family are but I do not know what is going to happen. I am praying that luck comes my way on Tuesday when I approach my given opportunity for the next stage of an interview process. However, I would love to know how to eliminate the worry that comes before/afterwards.
I would tell any of my closest friends and family that,
“You can only do your best.”
Sometimes, you can surprise people what you best can actually be. I like to think I can show people something more of me than they never expected I would be able to achieve.
Then there’s that time in the day where my mind drifts away. Have you ever had that feeling where there is something which you are dreading to happen, and think it possibly will but you do not want to share how you are feeling?
As much as I tell my friends sometimes, there are moments where some people will not think I’m reading into it to be such a big deal and they assume I am smiling it all away so easily. Sometimes, the biggest hints are not big enough. Likewise, people are not always to understand what you see no matter how much you wish they could or should.
Things can seem so clear in the eyes of one person but not so easy-to-read in the eyes of others. Even in the eyes of those who you love the most. Do you ever question why they are not worried about something – a very likely event? Perhaps I could quite possibly just be on my own with that one.
As much as I find the strength to believe I hold valuable traits, I still fight harder to find more in myself. Though, I do need to be more self-compassionate, which is something I learnt from the course.
One of the biggest pieces of advice that I have given myself is to take things one step at a time before you move onto the next stage in my life. Although, it is much easier said than done. For myself that is and I am sure it is the same case for someone else out there.
Anyway, enough of this nonsense and it will sound to some readers tonight. For those who can relate, I really do hope that you find your path with less worry along the way. Whether you are scared of seeing someone or the thought of an atmosphere is causing you distress, I hope you will be okay.
I know I will be okay deep down so you will be too. Let’s say that time has a funny way of showing us things.