There are people who know you – some better than others. Even when you have told someone everything, or at least enough for you to still be surprised that they are still there for you, do you ever worry if there is more you should tell them?
I’ve been scared to open up to people. It tends to be one of my weaknesses. Although now, whenever someone tells me something, I feel as though my mum, boyfriend and best friend are my go-to people.
As much as I would not like to tell anyone else, these are the people who I feel I have to discuss it with. On the other hand, there are things I have shared with my boyfriend more than anyone else.
I love my parents and I love my family and friends but we all have that one person, whether it be a relative, friend or partner. What I’m living in right now, is something I’ve never been in. A world which has revealed so many opportunities, not easy to gain but they are there.
Likewise with exploring the world. I’ve seen so many places and experienced things I never thought I would have, or at least not just yet and with someone so special to me.
Is there a limit to how much you can tell someone? I don’t think there is but I could be wrong. You see, some people tell me not to share so much. But I do what I feel is right.
And in my eyes, trusting someone completely that you could entirely hand over your life to them and they would not mock your embarrassments, they would not be disappointed where you didn’t reach your goals, nor would they reject you for being who you truly are.
People say, everyone has a past. And yes they do. Whether I would like to call the things that I did not feel comfortable with as regrets, well I’m not sure. The way I see it, is the things that happened to me that I’m not totally proud of or where I do not understand the younger, vulnerable me, it happened.
I am still the same person today, only stronger and wiser I like to think. My confidence has grown but in a positive way in that I try to see more in myself.
Just yesterday, I was speaking to my best friend. Of course, she is another person who I can speak to about anything. And just yesterday, I went into detail about something which happened five years ago. She knows me. She knows what I’ve been through and what I’ve become today. This friend has taught me that it is okay for people to think how much they know you, when in reality it is not always the case.
I am not ashamed to say that I did not have my first real kiss if that’s what you want to call it later than most of my friends. I was always nervous. I was also gullible, I believed that when a boy tells you he likes you, he genuinely likes you but then how much does ‘like’ go for the quality of caring for someone nowadays – I mean actually caring for someone?
When I was sixteen, I got into a relationship with someone who I barely knew really. Unfortunately, I did not realise this until afterwards. I was too sunk into this world where someone wanted me – but for what reasons?
You can probably guess why things ended and they got their fun elsewhere. Aside from that particular part, I opened my eyes and it hit me that I was a young girl who was changing. It felt like I was being pressured to do things which were not to my liking but another side telling me that it is okay to them anyway.
I wondered why everything was getting all serious so quick. Not thinking you’re in a relationship and the old relationship request on Facebook appears. It does not seem real when I look back on it all now. But come one, we have all been there – the MSN days or taking a crush on someone in school then thinking, hang on, why did I even…
Likewise, being even younger there was a boy where my friend had tried to set us up and as it was just weird. The duration was about a couple of weeks but it was him texting and me wanting to tell him that I really don’t feel right or any connection possible.
We were completely different. I did not even know him! I did tell him that I don’t want things to go any further and he suddenly reacts as though I’ve broken his heart with lyrics on his status. Wow too serious. He barely knew me neither. If anything, I think he and my friend should have got together or something, they seemed to have more conversation daily. That was a funny and weird one.
This is the thing, someone telling you they like you that lead to different things. It was not until my brother said to me one day that I am too gullible. I denied that I was and thought to myself that, I liked the idea of someone paying attention to me – not knowing they do it regularly to other girls or that they don’t seem to take it too seriously. I am actually embarrassed to discuss it completely. But sometimes I have seen myself as being too blind to see what is good for me.
Take going to the cinema with someone and you don’t why you did it but back then you felt like it was an okay thing to do. Things go really weird afterwards, you want to know what the problem is, but yet again, this was a situation where it was nothing at all. They actually claimed that they felt like they were taking advantage of me because all I wanted to do was watch the film.
People would question me to ask if I really went to the cinema. People had too many assumptions when there was nothing going on.
I’m not perfect. I do not lead the perfect life. And with what I have discussed with you today, I did not have loads of relationships. It just a few stories of boys who have claimed to like you and those where people have made the wrong theories.
Things will be said – and those things that stay with that person. You don’t need to be judged negatively. Nor do you have to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to.
There comes a point when you realise what growing up, being in a relationship and not being afraid to look back on your past are all about. I used to hate it to be honest. I could not wait to grow up but then as it was happening and still presently is, it is much harder than what you expected it to be. As for the other things, being able to express how you feel is an important part of life for me. That is a major thing I have learnt.
Remember before when I used the term ‘like’ for someone taking an interest in you? I often wish I had not ignored the time that really meant something. However, without doing so, I would not have experienced what happened before now. I could have taken a chance back then but I didn’t. I did not realise that this time, someone was being serious about how they actually liked me. It wrecks my brains as to why I did now – but then, like I’ve said, I found it hard to believe things at times.
Can you believe when I was younger in high school, my grandad heard me and friends talking about school and he overheard the name Danny. Grandad would always wind me up about boys.
And it makes me wonder if it is just a coincidence or not because Danny (Daniel) is the name of the best friend I have told you all about before – the love of my life. This was before the point I had got to really know him in college and later as we finally got together in university.
It won’t be a surprise to some of you that when Danny tried again in university, I still said did not take it in that he wanted to be with me. I look back and I look really mean. He’ll like that I’ve said that because my brother even said something along the line. There were several attempts and I finally had some faith in myself to believe it was all happening. My mum will also be happy that I mention how she basically pushed me out the door to go on that first date.
It’s not like we didn’t know each other because we really did and today, I couldn’t be happier that I know Daniel down to a tee. I’ve learnt so much about his life and the man he has become. He’s the most independent man I know and the perfect man for me to have let someone love me.
I’m not embarrassed to say that, it did not take us long to fall in love. The history we had and having had knowing each other since primary school, obviously not completely but it led to something I’ll hold in my heart forever.
I have conquered more fears that I imagined I would five, six years ago. The biggest fear I would say I have now is waking up one day and not having Danny there. That what would break my heart. People would be crazy to think that it would anything but that. He means so much more to me than people think.
He knows me inside and out, better than I know myself in fact. That being down to the way he can help me back up when I fall down to knowing something’s wrong no matter how okay I seem to others.
I don’t even have to say anything, he sees it in my eyes and my facial expression. And those thoughts I shared earlier today about the future, well he relates to all of them because he is my now and my future.
So here’s my answer for the beginning of my post. There can be things which you might have not have had the confidence to share. I have been terrified and even cried when revealing things. If you’ve got someone who accepts everything you open up to them about, believe me, you want to keep hold of them.
Opening up is an approach which I’ll do each day from here on. I’ve been scared Daniel would run a mile. Once more, he stuck to his words and he didn’t run. To this day, he’s always meant it whenever he said he liked me, to loving me and how much I mean to him.
At this point I should say that, Daniel, I just built up my confidence in order to tell you the rest of what you might not have already known because you mean the world to me.